My husband had an affair with someone I used to be friends with.  It went on for over a year, and I never knew.  I feel so stupid, I didn't even suspect it.  I only found out because he told me he was leaving me to be with her.  He packed up, left me and our two kids and rented an apartment. This went on for 6 months, and then she dumped him.  

Now he wants to come back home. I miss him but I am so angry and embarrassed and hurt.  I want us to be a family, but I don't think I will ever be able to trust him.  He is trying to be so sweet and even though I want to see him, whenever he shows up I act like a total bitch.  Should I take him back? How do I get over my anger? Help, I don't know what to do!

It is always good to go alone but if you guys are going to be able to repair your marriage you will probably need to go together at some point.  It gives you a safe place to say what you need to say in front of him and vice versa, but marital therapy is very hard.  It requires a true commitment and before that I would go alone just to help you sort out your feelings and decide how you really feel about it.  I love therapy, it is like the only place in my life that someone listens JUST to me and my problems.  It is terribly indulgent in a way and should help you sort out your feelings.  I highly recommend you see a woman. 

My ex-husband of 20 plus years had several affairs while we were married.  The first few times I always took him back.  Three years ago I had had enough and filed for divorce.  I got so stressed out with having a teenager at home and knowing that my life was about to change big time.  Went to the Doctor and had blood work and sure enough I had a STD that will stay with me the rest of my life.  If they screw around once it won't stop.  Karma has now kicked him in the butt.  I think he's on girlfriend #5.  Go with your gut instincts and get out now before anymore damage is done.

I understand what it's like to have your trust completely violated.

My now-ex had two long affairs- I took him back after the first one and I wish I'd 

had a post-nuptial done then to protect myself financially before going through it all a second time 5 yrs 

later.

I recently wrote an article for this site that you may want to read:

"3 Big Risks of Taking Back an Unfaithful Husband"

I'm a therapist in California that specializes in Affair Recovery.  Sometimes men do "see the light" and want to come back.  What you should look for is he the following things:

He must accept full responsibility for the affair and act grateful that you were willing to give him a second chance.  He should be doing more to connect with you.  He should apologize and promise that he is never going to do it again.  He should express that he is "all in" the marriage and isn't still questioning whether he wants to be with you or not. You should request that he go to a minister or therapist to explore what he felt made your relationship vulnerable to an affair and was not able to express that to you directly.

I suggest therapy for you as well.  It can be like awakening from a nightmare to have your husband actually want to come back after thinking you lost hiim forever.  But, you need to figure out if he is worth taking back.

Edited by moderator Saturday, August 2, 2014 5:02:08 AM(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified