Note: If this isn't the right place to help inspire, I truly apologize. I just want to help make a difference, especially if anyone is struggling. <3
At the beginning of 2011, my whole life seemed to be sinking right in front of me. The rose-colored glasses I wore at the time didn’t help. I finally came to the conclusion a year later that the man I married didn’t fit my values or my plans for the future. And who wants to stay married if they don’t have a real connection with the person they’ll be spending the rest of their life with?
That sounds like such a miserable experience, don’t you think?
I left my marriage, my apartment and had to leave behind one of my dogs that my best friend (at the time) barley took care of because they were consumed in relationships and other things in life. I remember having to pay over $1000 in damages to the apartment because of them, but that’s life, I suppose. But I knew for a fact that I was making the right decision for the both of us because of personal (hugely significant) reasons between us that will remain confidential. I wasn’t quite sure whether I wanted to be a part of a marriage where I had to constantly question my partner’s fidelity… so, my best friend (at the time) and I set up my ex-husband. I know this was immature, but I was only 21-years-old and I was seeing in black and white. Nonetheless, it takes two to destroy a marriage. We used fake text messages to set him up, but that is all I lied about when it came to our marriage. Sadly, he wanted to meet-up with this fictitious, blatantly flirtatious person only hours before coming home from the military to see me. After my ex-husband took the bait, my (now ex-)best friend encouraged me to leave him because “[I] deserve[d] better.”
There was a lot to love about my ex-husband. He was always willing to lend a helping hand and didn’t mind being a good civilian to those he surrounded himself with in life. That was an attractive trait to me while I was attending a singles-ward and we dated. But in retrospect, our relationship was far too rushed and there were way too many red-flags for the both of us. Had I known then what I know now, things would have turned out a lot different. But I feel there’s a lot to learn from the whole marriage for both my ex-husband and I.
What I learned from my divorce
As the saying goes, opposites attract. But common ground is essential if you want to stay together long-term, because without it, you can’t stay on the same-page and you won’t have anything to keep you anchored together. If there’s anything I learned from ALL of the relationships ending in my life, it’s that being on the same-page counts, and if you’re not and can’t find a way to create some common-ground, then it’s probably not going to work as a relationship. Possibly not even as a friendship.
Communicate, communicate and communicate even more. Communication is absolutely essential. And paired with understanding, love and forgiveness, make a strong relationship and an amazing marriage. Nobody is perfect in this world. We all tend to forget about forgiveness and moving forward without hatred in our hearts. Think about it: When has hate or anger ever stopped a war? It hasn’t. Sadly, many marriages turn into nothing but hate, bitterness, blame and disrespect. If you’re going to end things, you should still always be respectful. Words and actions are irreversible. You can’t simply take them back. In some cases, you may be able to make amends, but those words can never be unsaid, nor those actions undone.
You can and should choose to end every relationship you’ve started with the same respect it began with. That choice is always yours.
If you want to be happy, truly happy, you have to be able to be happy by yourself. You can’t depend on external validation. Many in today’s world seem to fall for this Hollywood movie fallacy where a man, or woman, will complete you, and until then there will always be something missing. But that’s not correct. That’s a false idea. If you can’t love yourself and be happy by yourself, how can you fully love your spouse and invest your full effort into your marital relationship? If you’re expecting your partner to fill the emptiness you feel inside, you’re in for a future of disappointment and relationship troubles. A healthy, independent individual, whether happy, angry, sad, or fed-up, feels that way due to their own choices, not out of co-dependency on another person (spouse or otherwise).
Having a failed marriage doesn’t mean nothing came of it. It may have crashed and burned and irreparably exploded (as many marriages tend to end), but there can be one heck of a lot to learn. Divorce can teach you that life is hard and things don’t always happen the way you plan. But if you take the time to reflect on your past marriage, you can gain a lot of insight to help with your future relationships and marriage.
The insight you gain can help you learn to have a different approach in your next attempt at marriage, a relationship, or even future friendships.
Sometimes, partners won’t end the relationship with the same respect it was started with. In fact, sometimes their new partner may very well start to disrespect you as their new spouses ex. They may even engage in an all out telephone war of “he said,” “she said.” It can become a total nightmare. An ended marriage doesn’t have to be negative and it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person. It’s your choice how you want to let things stand. You can be the bigger person and be respectful, or you can act with hatred and attack mindlessly to give yourself some sick pleasure.
The choice to get divorced was a great decision for me, even if it didn’t feel or seem like it then. But when I found out the dude only got married a month(ish) after our divorce finalized, I realized one of two things. Either I was right about questioning his fidelity in our marriage, or he fell for the Hollywood fallacy that he had to be married to be worth something, even though his new partner tends toward the bitter, hateful route when it comes to me. Either way, it’s taught me to turn the other cheek.
Eventually, regardless of the situation in life, those rose-colored glasses will become transparent. You’ll see things for what they are. But it doesn’t have to become gloomy. Focus on the bright side of things, be you, and make the most of every opportunity you’re given. Don’t be distraught and harrowed up in guilt over things that didn’t go exactly the way you had hoped. Live life to the fullest and be happy.
This is your life, not theirs. That’s what divorce taught me. And it also taught me that I am in control of my own life and happiness. Don’t you think those are some amazing things to learn from such a crappy situation in life?