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Offline Karen  
#1 Posted : Thursday, May 29, 2014 1:42:19 PM(UTC)
Karen

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Although I realize it's probably time to go talk with someone, I thought I'd seek some advice here first. My ex and I have been divorced for three years. He wanted the divorce, although we had a pretty unhappy marriage with several failed attempts at therapy and reconciliation on my part. He moved on instantly and was dating before the divorce. That ended, and he's now been with his current girlfriend for a long while. I have had to deal with some craziness with her--starting with my son (age 11 now) finding a bunch of "sexts" between them, which after three incidents, my ex finally locked his phone down. The issue now, I have moved on and remarried a wonderful man, my ex has remained in the home we all shared for 10 years. The girlfriend is there constantly and it drives me crazy. I know it's a completely jealous reaction, but at first it really hurt my older son too. He'd get mad seeing her "using my stuff" and acting in the mother role there. He even ran away a few times. There have been a few incidents where my ex and I have argued about this and the boys heard it. Of course, I come off as the crazy ex wife (rightly so, I guess), and I know it's damaging for them to hear this. The girlfriend told me months ago he planned to sell the house and to "just be patient". I KNOW what I'd tell myself...there's nothing I can do about this, it's beyond my control...etc., but I just can't seem to get over this last hump. I hate sharing my kids as it is, but having her there (and we live in the same neighborhood) just serves as a really bad reminder every day. I know I'm not alone in this, as some of my friends are going through the same thing, but not with the house issue. I guess it's an insecurity issue, but I need to be able to deal with it, and I'm having the hardest time. Now, my son is resenting me for this and that is even worse. He seems to be more at peace with her being there and can't understand my feelings, and he shouldn't---he's a kid. But, he tells me things like I'm weak and pathetic...that I keep ruining things, etc. Has anyone experienced this?

Offline DM Editor  
#2 Posted : Thursday, May 29, 2014 4:17:49 PM(UTC)
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Hi Karen, welcome to the DM forum, happy to have you here. I've not had a similar experience which keeps me from being able to see it from your perspective. When reading your post I kept wondering how your new husband feels about the problems you are having with this woman being in your old home? Does he express an opinion?

You say it is an insicurity thing but I'm not so sure. It might be a control thing and that would be understandable. It can't be easy to think about another woman pratically living in the home you shared with your family. Since there is nothing you can do about her and that situation, I suggest you focus on your situation. The one you have some control over.

Here is something it took me a long time to understand. Just because we feel a certain way doesn't mean we always have to express how we are feeling. If our expression of our feelings is impacting others negatively it can be in our own best interest to not express our feelings. I worry, based on what you've written, that you may be doing damage to your relationship with your son. If that is the case the best thing you can do for him is to put on a smile and keep your feelings about this other woman to yourself. Or, share your feelings with others, like here on the DM forum.

As I said, I've not had the experience BUT I can image how hugely bothersome it would be to have some woman living in the home that was mine for 10 years. It would bother the hell out of me! I'm sorry you are experiencing this.

Cathy

 

Cathy Meyer
Founding Editor
DivorcedMoms.com
Offline Karen  
#3 Posted : Thursday, May 29, 2014 4:53:37 PM(UTC)
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Cathy,
Thank you for reply. I know everything you said is right. Fortunately, my husband is very understanding, probably because I've dealth with a lot of conflict from my ex. My other son has high-functioning autism, and my ex has really shut him out and focus mostly on the older son, who is very athletic and is a lot like my ex. I guess it has taken me a long time to learn expressing emotion is not the best now, because he sees it as conflict.

I'll do my best to keep that smile on my face. I also appreciate you acknowledging it would bother you as well. Men seem to compartmentalize all of this and the idea of sharing their kids or even someone being in their old house doesn't affect them--or at least it seems that way. I'm glad I found a place to get this all out without feeling judged!
Offline DM Editor  
#4 Posted : Thursday, May 29, 2014 6:15:21 PM(UTC)
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I understand the conflict thing and the Dad picking one kid over the other. My ex chose to focus his love and attention on our youngest son. The older son, he cared less about. He would pick up and drop off the younger son and be gone before the older one could get to the driveway to say hello to his Dad. My son's girlfriend at the time used to call it "drive-by abandoment."

We don't want our children mistreated by anyone. When it is their own father that dismisses them it will make you want to kill someone, want it? The hardest thing I've ever had to do was bite my tongue and keep quiet. My ex saw any opinion expressed by me as conflict. And, I came to realize that he ignored our oldest in an attempt to push my buttons. I was determined to not give my ex what he wanted...me angry so he could point fingers and blame.

Your ex maybe doing the same. Ever think about that?

I used to fill up water balloons and throw them against the house. I imagined his face and aimed for the forehead. It was a silly way to let off steam but it was the only way I could figure out to do it without causing too much damage.

They are asshats, Karen. Keeping that in mind makes it easier to grin and mean it. While you are grinning just keep repeating in your head, "asshat, asshat, asshat."

And yes, men compartmentalize BUT they are bothered. They can hide it better than us women. Underneath that calm exterior is seething rage. Take my word for that.

Cathy

 

Cathy Meyer
Founding Editor
DivorcedMoms.com
Offline Pennie S. Heath, L.C.S.W.  
#5 Posted : Saturday, May 31, 2014 12:33:33 AM(UTC)
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I get it, I do.  But that said, you've remarried and he has moved on and has a right to date her.  As far as the house, it sounds like his home and he has a right to that too unless you guys agreed that he would sell it.  Your reaction sounds like just grief over the marriage and like you said, your old life.  3 years isn't very long to grieve really, and grief can be irrational.  Seeing someone would probably be really helpful because some of that you probably don't need to share with your new husband and definitely not your kids.  It's completely safe here of course!  

I've been divorced 2.5 years and separated for 3.5 and still have grief sometimes and it will hit me over the craziest things.  I think it would be easier to grieve it if he had died that divorced!   Is that bad?

 

Offline Karen  
#6 Posted : Monday, June 2, 2014 12:33:28 AM(UTC)
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Of course, I understand he has a right to the house and a right to have her in it. I've left out a lot of gaps about things that happened with him and my sons after the divorce, particularly with his first girlfriend, but the general point is yes, he has a right to do what he wants...we are divorced. It's definitely not about control over what happens there. I accept I have no control. I do agree grief has something to do with it--but more the grief over the loss of a nuclear family and splitting up the time with the kids. I think the hurtful feelings come from sharing the time with the boys when it wasn't my choice. I think that alone is the worst part of divorce. And...the resentment--I guess--of having another woman in the home I raised them in. It's painful to deal with. So, yes...he certainly has his "rights" but it's still very crappy. Oh well...I will find a way to deal with it. The good news is, I've had some meaningful and healthy talks with my boys and we are in a really good place right now.

Offline Snodderly  
#7 Posted : Monday, June 2, 2014 4:11:17 PM(UTC)
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A really good place is a good place to be. It isn't easy to share our children but we have to keep in mind that we are their mothers and no one can take our place. Hopefully as time goes on and you become more secure in that fact the feelings of grief and resentment will lessen.

And, continue to talk to them. That ability to communicate will buld a deeper bond.

Snodderly

Offline Reba Alice  
#8 Posted : Tuesday, June 3, 2014 3:03:37 PM(UTC)
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Hi Karen,

I'm on the other side of this, my ex-husband moved out and left me with the house we had shared for many years.  But, I think it was still hard for him to see the home we had shared becoming just mine.  For a while he would wait in his car when he came to pick up our daughter, and I would bring her out.  I think that helped ease the transition for him, just not having to actually see the inside of the house (from the doorway).  Do you think that would help you? It wasn't a permanent thing, he recently started coming up to the door again, and even came inside to meet our daughter's new hamster.  So maybe just till you're "over the hump" with feeling this way seeing the new girlfriend in your old house.

Reba

Reba Alice, Single Mama Extraordinare

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http://mamaonmarjorie.wordpress.com/
Offline Roxy  
#9 Posted : Wednesday, June 11, 2014 1:12:44 AM(UTC)
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I completely understand the house thing. I get it.
I picked out everything big and little in the 'dream home' we had built. We were married 17 years. I raised our kids in this home. He worked long hours and traveled.
He got the home in the divorce by agreeing to take on all it's debt(due to 2008 recession)
I miss that home. It was the only place I had lived in for a long time. I hate driving up to it to pick up the kids for our shared custody.
Offline KatieBop  
#10 Posted : Monday, September 15, 2014 2:33:51 PM(UTC)
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My ex kept the house. It was his before we married and legally, I had no right to it.  He's never introduced our kids to anyone he's dating, but he's warned me to call before dropping by when I have the kids. He always calls before dropping by - seems like there's always a forgotten item.

It's his house, and I'm OK with him living his life in it without me.  I'm the one who filed for divorce, but it is a bit... frustrating and sad.  Kind of like I'm on the outside of my old life and he and the kids are on the inside.  It's not even the things.  To try and make the transition easier for the kids and make my apartment more like home, we moved all of the kids furniture into my place and he redecorated.  At first, I just went bopping back in his place like I owned the place.   Then he made some changes (repainted) and wow, it felt like I was trespassing.  It took a while before I would go back in.  It took my daughter, god bless her heart, insisting that I come in and see her new pet hamster and his fancy habitat.  

The thing I realized was that it was important for my kids to give them the impression that their living situation was OK.  My ex was holding up his end of the bargain for my place.  I'm not sure how I would have handled a girlfriend or step mom, but I hope I could find the strength to rise to the occasion.  Also, it's OK to feel something, but you do have to recognize that you might not have the right to express it.  You've probably crossed the line when you shared your frustrations with your ex and his girlfriend.  The girlfriend  seems understanding, but really it was probably not your place to express it to them.  Especially since you've remarried.

For me, my ex and the kids moving (next week), so I guess I'll never have to face seeing someone else with him in "our house".  Probably the only good thing about the move.

 

Edited by user Monday, September 15, 2014 2:37:45 PM(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified

Offline MichaelEAlcorn  
#11 Posted : Thursday, February 7, 2019 6:47:10 AM(UTC)
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Hello, see if you want your kid then go to court. Ad if you ain't want your kid with yourself then i think you need to move on. You can meet your son weekly and then come back to your life. Because you are troubling your present life also if you are thinking about your past. My friend who is working with me in professional resume writing service reviews has also went to same problem but she got custody of his son and now she won't talk to her ex ad happy with her present husband.
Offline kakakaoo  
#12 Posted : Friday, March 29, 2019 3:56:57 AM(UTC)
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Offline david john  
#13 Posted : Monday, September 9, 2019 6:59:20 PM(UTC)
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Offline david john  
#14 Posted : Tuesday, September 24, 2019 3:09:16 PM(UTC)
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Offline david john  
#15 Posted : Saturday, October 5, 2019 6:24:16 PM(UTC)
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Offline david john  
#16 Posted : Sunday, October 6, 2019 3:58:13 PM(UTC)
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Offline david john  
#17 Posted : Sunday, October 13, 2019 3:16:13 PM(UTC)
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