I have sole physical and legal custody of our three kids and my exwife has supervised visitation.  At this point, she's got her act together and I no longer require the supervision.  

Under our agreement, my exwife has the kids overnight only if it is at her mother's or other situation pre-approved by me.  Otherwise (and usually), it's every other weekend Friday after school till 10PM and Saturday 10 AM - 10PM.  No overnights.  There's a requirement that there be a separate boy and girls room and each kid has their own bed.  I've waived the supervised visit requirements and when she want's to see the kids outside of this schedule, the answer is an automatic yes.  Her mother has moved and my ex lives in a one bedroom apartment with a sleeper couch, so no overnights for now (it was never a lot).

Anybody have any thoughts on overnight visits in this situation?  Everyone that I know either does alternating weeks or every other weekend with a mid week.   All with overnights.   Most tell me that it's her issue to deal with, not mine, but I feel like the kids are missing out.  It also pins me down a bit waiting on her, but it's not a big issue for me.  If I'm out, I just pick the kids up at her place on my way home.  I should also add that I have no concerns (anymore) about the kids spending the night, only that there be suitable arrangements (mostly their own bed in a gender specific room).  I'd like to think this out before bringing it up with my exwife.  It seems like a conversation that I can't unhave if it doesn't go well.

I don't mind if they all cram in to her little apartmen on occasion, but I'm not a big fan of it as a regular plan.  Camping is fun, but there's a reason we don't always live that way.

She's kind a broke, so demanding that she get a three bedroom apartment might be a stretch.  Maybe set it as a goal?  We can switch to alternating weekend overnights when you get a bigger apartment.

Seems like the only other option is to rotate who spends the night and let them go one at a time and sleep on her pull out sofa bed.  Any down side to that?

Am I over thinking it?  Her plan for our divorce was that I have no overnights.  She thought it best that I just visit the kids three Sunday afternoons a month and only do overnights on holidays and vacations.  She did spend a lot of money trying to prove that she didn't believe in sharing custody.  Maybe she's cool with things as is (I doubt it).  I don't want to bring it up until I'm sure about what I'm willing to do.

 

TIA X

 

 

 

Hi Liv,

Long story short, ugly custody fight and 2 DUI's, one when she had the kids in the car, resulted in sole custody with supervised visitation.   She was a bit out of control to begin with and losing the custody fight put her into a tail spin.  She's got her act together now, and we are transitioning off of supervised visitation.  I've waived the supervised visitation requirements and am now looking/planning to put the overnights in place.  She already has unrestricted access to the kids.  

Our agreement has some interesting things in it to say the least.  Mostly they were things that my exwife insisted on, never imagining that they would be applied to her.  The bedroom requirement is just a boys room for our son and a girls room for our daughters.  Our oldest is at the point where she'd probably would not want to share a room with her brother, but in a pinch it's not an actual problem.   To me, it's one thing to have them all pile in on occasion but another to let that be the way that they live.  The 10PM time is just an arbitrary time (now, when she was a wreck, I was kind of an ahole about punctuality).  I don't care when it is, as long as she's working with me.  I don't want to be the kill joy that makes them miss half of the movie or whatever just to be home by some arbitrary time, but I also need to have some free time for myself.

I do plan on talking to my ex about this, I'm just trying to get ready for the conversation.  I'm sure that the kids will be fine with it, but I don't want to bring it up without having their mom onboard first.  She might not want to have them all pile in to her tiny apartment on a consistant basis and might not be willing/able to pay for a bigger apartment.  I recognize as I dial back the restrictions, there's no easy way to put them back so I'm trying to be cautious.   My plan is to start with Friday overnight and once that settles out, add Saturday overnight and perhaps eventually Sunday night if she can handle getting them to school on Monday morning (and all that entails).  No matter what, just like removing the supervision restrictions, it will be on a trial basis at first.

Hi Liv,

 

You're living the dream!  50/50 custody and you don't have to talk to your ex...  I knew that our marrige was on the rocks, and it didn't surprise me when I figured out that my wife was having an affair, but I never in a million years would have imagined that she wouldn't share custody and parenting time with me as an equal.  It's really the only ill will I still harbor.  I'm safe now, so it kind of bugs me that I've not let that go.  Pushing open the visitation is kind a my way of grinding through it.  I don't have to do anything.  I could just wait until she files a motion and she can't aford a fight.

We've always done the family things "together" (at least in the same room).  It was difficult at first because she insisted on including her boyfriend (not to mention really confusing for the kids).   A couple of counselors told me that it would be better for the kids to do birthdays and such together rather than separate.  It pretty much sucked for me, but we all behaved and they were probably right.  

Thank god for text and email and the abilty to edit.  We didn't talk much after a failed mediation attempt where we saw how far apart we were on custody.  It was clear to me we were headed for an ugly  fight.  Events and process kind of has a life of it's own and when your only tool is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail.  After her car accident and her boyfriend went back to his family, I reached out to her and things kind of changed.  The kids were really freaked out and I think that it helped them to see us warm things up a bit.  I've had her over a couple of times when she couldn't pull off visitation on her own.  Better to buy a couple of pizzas and let them watch a movie on Netflix, while I read a book in my room, than to say no, (and kudos to her for accepting the offer).

 

X

closing this out...

My ex-wife has moved into her new place and we've officially started her having the kids for overnights every other weekend. I just upgraded my kids bedrooms (Rooms2Go 5yr no interest), so we moved their old furniture into her new place. With the exception of paint, the rooms are almost exactly the same, which should make it feel like home to them. I really want this to go well. This is their first full weekend with mom since Grandma move out of town. I should go out or something, but I'm kinda enjoying the peace and quiet.

X