Hi Mamas!
A few months ago, I broke off my engagement with what was to be my second wedding only a few weeks away. I was devastated (how could another relationship fall apart around me? what am I doing wrong?) but the dust IS settling and I'm finding a lot of joy and peace in my new life.
One of the hardest things for me to contemplate during my breakup was...what will I do with myself when my daughter is at her dad's?? I was used to always having a "built-in buddy" in my fiance. Whether we went out to dinner, or a movie, or just stayed in and watched TV, I never had to wonder about how to fill up my time. So when we broke up and he moved out, I felt this huge emptiness looming ahead of me. But I am not at all ready to date again yet, and I'm still dealing with paying off debts that my ex left me with, so I'm somewhat broke. And even when she's home, now it's just the two of us. What to do?
Talking to other divorced moms, this seems to be a common theme we all share. There's this fear of being alone, spending our time doing nothing, and just in general not enjoying ourselves, and it brings anger at our exes because they "wasted our time," and are often off enjoying themselves with new and younger girlfriends. So I wanted to share some ways I have found to enjoy myself on my own.
-Taking walks. I have a Golden Retriever puppy and she loves taking walks around our neighborhood! Plus I have met more people who live near me this way. And it's good exercise too, which if you're anything like me, you haven't been to the gym in at least a year, but you have some extra flab and it's suddenly swimsuit season. So the physical activity is good.
-Going to the movies. I had hardly ever gone to the movie theater alone. Even when I was married or engaged, I barely ever went because I felt it was a waste of money. Why not just wait till it's out on DVD? But I found it's good to get out of my house sometimes. If I'm watching TV on the couch, I end up dozing off. It's not too expensive if I get discounted tickets from AAA, and it's a nice treat to myself. I work from home full-time, so getting out of my house is a treat in itself.
-Going out with friends, or having friends over. Just spending time with friends! I realized that in both my marriage and later my engagement, I did not spend nearly enough time nurturing my friendships. I don't like to talk on the phone much, I prefer spending time with people, but whenever I tried, my fiance would complain that I wasn't making any time for him. Between that and just being a single mom, I never had any time for friends and I didn't feel it was important enough to make time. But now I am really enjoying just spending time with people! Going out for dinner occasionally, having friends over for dinner, just hanging out at the park. It pulls me out of my head and my own little world, and I think it's also good for my daughter to see that our (tiny) family is part of a community of friends, and that sharing our lives with others is important.
-Becoming involved at church. I am a relatively new Christian and had just started to join activities at church more frequently while I was engaged. But I found it was a struggle to force myself to go, because my fiance didn't seem to want to. Now I can more fully explore my faith and focus on my spirituatlity and religion. I am part of a Bible study and I attend as many other church activities as I can, and I spend time either volunteering at church or just talking with people there to get to know them.
-Cooking for my tiny family. When my ex-husband and I divorced, I ate terribly. My daughter was two when we separated, and it just felt like a huge waste to make a whole meal for two (really one-and-a-half) people. So I would nibble at her leftover mac and cheese dinner, and eat cookies for my own. But when my engagement ended, now I'm trying a lot more new recipes (even though my now-five-year-old still doesn't eat very much and isn't very adventurous with food). I have never enjoyed cooking, but I'm finding it's fun to try new things, and very rewarding when something comes out so good that my daughter eats it!
-Going on vacation or trips. I had been in the process of planning a family vacation this summer, in lieu of a honeymoon, when my fiance and I broke up. At first I was going to cancel it, because it felt like a waste. But right away I realized, my daughter and I (and our dog) are still a family! We can go on a vacation too, and we will probably have more fun by ourselves anyway. So we are taking two small trips this summer.
-Pampering myself. I never made time before to take baths. But now I've gotten myself some bath scrubs and some nights I will just get a book, light a candle, and relax in the tub! I also got myself a professional massage for Mother's Day. Instead of wishing I had my fiance around to rub all the tension out of my back, I found the professional massage was actually heavenly! I am doing it again when my daughter goes on vacation with her dad.
I would love to hear other ideas that you all have!
Reba