I have gone over the last 11 years over and over in my mind. I have made mistakes, a lot of them. We had had our fair share of issues, but always seem to find each other again. We got married when I was 18, he was 19. I meet him and knew THIS IS THE MAN FOR ME!. We got married 6 months later. I loved him, love him. He is the center of my universe. We had only been married about a couple of months and he works 3rd shift slept all day and worked all night, I was in school during the day. I started talking to someone online, it lasted like 2 weeks and one day I thought what am I doing. We had a fun, loving marriage. I was obsessed with being married, and having this sexy awesome wonderful man in my life. I felt like how lucky and I to have him choose me to spend the rest of his life with, to start a family with. We had been married 4 years before we got pregnant, we now have 2 boys one is autistic, and he is an incredible dad.
Tidbit you need to know-(my husband isn't a real affectionate man in public or private) He didn't want to sit next to each other on the couch, or at a restaurant, no PDA I started to feel like we were just coexisting. He was promoted to a store manager and I was a manager where I worked and we were both really busy. I went looking for someone to talk to, get another perspective (at this point we had been married 7-8 years). I started talking to someone, and 2 months later it turned into a fantasy affair, it didn't feel like cheating because I never once did anything sexual with him, we did have some sexual conversations but that was it. Looking back all I can think is "why didn't I go to my husband and express how I was feeling?" "why didn't I do something?"
He found out, and these were the dark days, he quit his job and started staying at home with the boys while I worked, we moved closer to my job. We didn't look at me the same and well why should he? He ask me over and over why, all I could say is I felt alone, but on the inside it felt like there was something else I just couldn't figure out what it was. Honestly looking back I couldn't tell you why. I love him with my whole heart, why would I go looking or let something come between us? For 3 years, he didn't trust me, I tried everything to prove to him that HE WAS IT FOR ME. He was all I wanted, and the regret and guilt I felt made me, allow him to completely take over, I didn't go anywhere but work which he drove me to and from. I was always in his sight, I didn't want to give him any reason to not trust me, I was willing to do anything to gain back just a shred of trust. He became obsessed, looking day and night trying to find what I was doing, checking my clothes, smelling me. I let him, I wasn't doing anything and I felt like sooner or later he would see that I as being honest that I did want him and I had made mistakes but was willing to make up for them. We fought all the time because he thought I was doing something, and I was trying to prove that I wasn't so I go defensive.
Things started to get better, we started spending more time talking, cuddling. We had long talks and I told him how much he meant to me and how I didn't want to lose him or ever hurt him again. A month later I got pregnant, I was so happy, I have always wanted a girl and thought this is it finally a girl. The first thing out of his mouth "we haven't had sex, whos is it?" I was destroyed, I have never physically cheated on him EVER, and this hurt me, it took something out of me. 10 days later I had a miscarriage. It was my fault, it was karma coming back on me for the way that I had hurt my husband in the past. I was being punished for the mistakes I had made. Though out our marriage we had our ups and downs.
I personally have always had issues I used to have these weeks where I felt so down and depressed, then for a week straight I was on top of the world. I had the perfect sexy husband, I was in love happy, some of my family and friends would ask questions about my change in mood, but I shrugged them off. I went to the doctor without anyone knowing, and after 2 hours and 2 doctors, things started to make sense. I am Bipolar. I didn't tell anyone. a week later, my husband woke up and wrote me a letter, by 2pm he had pack all his things and was gone. I was still am completely numb, I love him with all of me, and I am physically ill. I did this, all those times a yelled at him, and when I cheated, and the times I didn't show him how much I appreciated him. I did this, this is my fault, I pushed, pulled, screamed, fought the one person I love more than anything and now hes gone. I have been on autopilot since, I cook, clean, go to work, make sure my boys go where they need to go but its gone that spark that I felt, that spark that helped guide my life and made me feel whole is gone. I don't know.... if i can recover.
I have been looking into my disorder more and I have found a lot of articles that say Bipolar infidelity is common, and they mention the internet as the catalyst. I am by no means trying to make excuses for the poor decisions I have made, but when I look back on them I cant give even myself an explanation on why. I don't have any friends and honestly I am so ashamed of my choices I would tell them anyway. I just don't know where to go from here? It is like I am in this vast pitch black endless space without him.