Hi,
My name is Sara. This year should have been my nineteenth wedding anniversary. And I never thought I would ever be here.
I have bipolar disorder. We lost three pregnancies in a row and then my mother, who was my only living family I was in contact with. We were struggling financially as we had most of our marriage. We started to have marriage problems, and his temper worsened. As my depression got worse I could no longer homeschool the kids and that was a major upheaval.
I went to my doctor, I went to my therapist, I tried different self-help things; I got a dog, I joined a choir, tried to see my friends more. But I was slipping. I begged my husband to go to counseling. There was no need because all of our problems were because of what I was putting the family through. I got worse, and I had stayed in the house for three weeks without showering, was barely eating or drinking, and wasn't even really sleeping. One day we got in a little spat and he said I was being cruel to my son (we have seven children). Then they left. I was in the house alone and I made the worst mistake of my life and attempted suicide. When I saw the blood it shocked me back to myself a little and I called the crisis line, who called the ambulance. I ended up in the hospital for a month.
Unfortunately, DHS was called by someone in the ER, even though my children were at Grandma's and weren't due home forever (I'm not saying it makes it ok, but it's not like they were in the next room). They have gotten involved in our lives, and it is an absolute nightmare. They wouldn't let me live in the home, so I had to live in a shelter for a while before I found a roommate arrangement.
We were told that they would go away if we divorced, and that was how the divorce was initially presented to me. Looking back, looking how he acted with me and treated me and stuff, I think he was initially acting a little more like my husband because he was afraid it would send me back to the hospital; a valid fear.
So I've lived apart from my family now for over a year. And everything my ex husband is doing and pursuing shows me that this is a "for real" divorce. And I have no clue how to deal with that. Every time I go over to visit the kids, there is always something said or done that leaves that feeling that there was a giant hole punched in my chest. It's like today; he's selling my car because he doesn't think I should drive anymore. My doctors have removed the medications (an anti-epileptic and a couple of others) that were causing those kinds of side effects, and he has no clue how my mental state is. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here with no car and no way to get one (Right now my only income is a small amount of alimony, SSI, and financial aid from going back to school). The car is my mom's, I'm her only heir, it's legally my car. We didn't go through a lawyer so I have no recourse that way.
I've realized some things about myself in this last year where I wonder how the marriage would work. I'm not willing to try to be the good little submissive Christian wife anymore. I'm not giving away my voice. I'm practicing Wicca, and I love it. And I'm bisexual. I could go back to my husband, but he would have to know I'm bisexual even though I of course wouldn't act on it.
Anyways, sorry for the novel. I'm just posting because I could really use some hints on working through the grief. Sometime it's barely noticeable, and other times it is completely overwhelming.